Mirroring Language
Mike Doughty, May Newsletter ‘24
One thing I hear a lot from people who want to do allyship is worry about how to address others, what language to use, and being hesitant to say the wrong thing or use an outdated term. Everyone will make mistakes at some point, but it’s important to TRY. Make a good faith effort to do better, and understand that if you mess up it isn’t the end of the world. I’ll use this article to give folks some additional tools to make meaningful connections and improve the ways you can do allyship in your life. Part of that will also be talking about mirroring language, having conversations about your comfort, and listening to what language folks want used for them.
Mirror How Others Speak
Mirroring language is all about using the words someone uses for themselves, or the words a group uses to describe said group. It’s a way to let others know that you hear them and respect them.
This can be as simple as using a person’s pronouns or chosen name, but also doing the work on your own time to get comfortable using pronouns you aren’t familiar with. It can also be correcting others that use the wrong language if you know it is safe to do so, and being open to getting corrected if you make a mistake. Being corrected should be a learning opportunity. If it happens, stay humble and remember that you need to own your mistake and do the work to do better.
If someone says they are nonbinary, or pan, or however they identify, it is okay to use those words when talking about that person. The same can be true if someone uses language that might be outdated or considered rude to certain parts of society. Some folks might use reclaimed language, but have no desire for others to use it for them. In those situations, it is important to check in and listen, as I talk about below. People have the right to self-identify, but if you are not comfortable using that term, check in with that person to see if there is alternate language you can use for them.
Be Aware of Comfort
As I just mentioned, there could be situations where you do not want to mirror language for your own comfort or someone else might not want their language mirrored, even if someone uses a specific term for themselves. There are a lot of words used in the community that started as slurs and have since been reclaimed, “queer” being one of more common ones. If it is a word like “queer” that has a history behind it, it’s important to know that just because one person feels good with it, that might not be true for another. When you are in a new space or with new people, take a moment to listen and see what language is used, or take time to ask if people are comfortable with terms like “queer.”
This also goes for you as well. If you do not feel comfortable with certain terms or language, let people know your boundaries and see if there is other language you can use. It’s also important to look into WHY you might not feel comfortable with those terms. Is it because of the negative connotation with the language? Is it your own sensibilities stopping you from leaning in? Is it because you are not familiar with the language and it’s hard to learn or remember? The answer to those questions will vary from person to person, but doing the work can be a great way to improve your allyship.
Mirroring language can take time to get comfortable with, but it can also be a great tool to make more meaningful connections as an ally and support folks in your life.