Wanting to Come Out
Mike Doughty, February ‘24 Newsletter
Way back in August of 2022, I wrote about ways to react to someone who comes out to you. Now, I want to flip the script and talk to the people who are maybe considering coming out for the first time or to a new group of people. Coming out is something you do multiple times, and as I’ll get into later, not everyone has an “official” coming out. Everything I am going to say below is under the assumption that whoever is reading this is ready to come out, and feels safe to do so. If you do not feel safe coming out to a particular group of people, make your safety a priority!
First, I want to say congrats on feeling ready to come out! It isn’t always easy, especially if you don’t have a support network that makes it easy to do so. It’s important to remember that coming out is not a one-and-done thing. It will get easier to do each and every time you introduce yourself with your chosen name or pronouns, or say that you are gay or bi. While it does get easier, there might be a period of awkwardness or repetition as you let more and more people know about your identity.
As I said at the top, keep yourself safe. If you have a close network of friends, either online or in person, try coming out to them first if that feels comfortable. Depending on your nerves, maybe you tell one person privately to get comfortable saying whatever you need to say to come out. For other people, it might feel better to do it in front of a room of people you trust. The important thing is to feel safe when you do it, and then think of what boundaries you want around your out-ness. Do you mind if these people tell other people? If you are changing your name or pronouns, are there any contexts where you DON’T want them used? It’s important to have these conversations early to help keep yourself safe as you adjust, and as you tell more and more people, those boundaries might change over time as you build your confidence and safety network.
The next thing to consider is if you need a fall-back plan– which is a sad reality for a portion of people in the LGBTQ community. Sometimes we think we are safe to tell a friend or a family member about ourselves and they don’t react well. Maybe they explode and don’t believe you, maybe they just shut down and need some time to process. The important part here is to give them time to adjust and deal with their own issues while you lean on the network that you do have and support yourself through them. People who want to be in your life will make an effort to respect you as you are, and while they may not be perfect, they will work on growing and changing. The most important part of coming out is that you get to live your life as you want, not what someone else demands of you.
The last thing I want to talk about here is to remember to let yourself have fun. Coming out can be big and scary and feel overwhelming because in a lot of ways, it’s dealing with the unknown of how other people will react, but you still have to live your life. If you don’t want to do a big formal coming out, then don’t! Make a change, or wear pronoun pins, or date that person and just don’t react when people are confused. Find the joy in coming out in whatever way you can and let yourself live, you deserve it.